Milk.

Salty leave…

tell me the one about the friend you knew
and the last good night that we toasted too.

I called and called, but I can’t get through,
said he’s on his own, but his own is you

…Stay for me.

Anywhere I Lay My Head.

Boy meets girl.
Girl goes away.

Girl returns, more damaged than before.

As they lie there, he wonders what lies behind her broken smile. 

A shattered heart.
A list of forgotten dreams.
A teary gaze.
A lifeless kiss.
A world he could never comprehend.

Their smiles; if only they could trade.

He doesn’t want to be the hero…he just wants to see her soul shine.

27 Steps.

My heart is racing.  I can barely breathe.  My nerves are hidden in my pocket as trembling hands clinch the inside lining.

Here we are at your front door.

I’m bad at goodbyes, but it’s ok; you do all the talking.  I focus on your lips because my eyes are too shy to meet yours.  The embrace is warm.  I feel your heart beating…you hear mine.  My cheek glides across your hair and face until our lips meet somewhere in between.

Please, don’t let go.

The mood stays up as I turn and walk down your driveway.  I look down, counting the number of steps from your front door to my car.  I pull my hands out of my pockets to find them shaking.  I look up and my heart is in a daze.

What just happened?

It was all in my head; memories of something that no longer exists.  The rose tint fades from my heart.  I can’t believe I was so naive.  I’ve been swimming in your words, unaware I was drowning in them.

Hey, are you with me?

We need to feel the same until nothing remains.  No more worries about who wins or loses…I can’t stand your face anymore.

I look down and realize my heart never stopped counting; 27 steps to your front door.

The part of my heart that still wants to be in yours won’t fool me this time.  It’s too late too fix what’s broken.

27 steps and I’m gone.

What It Feels Like To Be A Ghost.

Ellie sternly walked into the dimly-lit dressing room where Craig was sitting, aimlessly thumbing his guitar as he waited for his cue to head on stage. Though his back was to her Craig instantly knew it was Ellie, and knew that she was angry because he didn’t show up to group therapy.

“You promised,” were the words that Ellie screamed in her head as she stood there, motionless.

“Ellie, hi”, said Craig quickly as his mind scrambled to come up with an excuse for not showing up. “About group therapy, uhhh listen…something came up.”

Ellie knew that he was high on coke…again. He never had any intention of going to therapy with her. He had no intention of stopping his habit for her at all. Ellie’s eyes quickly began scanning the room, searching for where his stash might be. She walked over to his jacket that was draped over a chair, and began searching through the pockets.

“Hey,” Craig said as he realized what Ellie was doing. He placed his guitar on the table and ran over to stop her. “Hey! What are you doing?” he shouted as Ellie pulled the bag of coke out of one of the pockets.

“Either you stop now, or I call Joey and tell him about this,” Ellie said as Craig rolled his eyes. Ellie continued intently, “And this, this will all end: the touring, the music career…finished.”

“Come on, why would you do that to me?” Craig begged. Frustrated, he turned away. “Just leave me alone, alright?”

“I can’t,” Ellie answered.

“Why not?” Craig wondered.

“Because…”

“Because why?”

Ellie rolled her eyes in familiar embarrassment. “You know why, Craig,” Ellie said reluctantly. “You know, so don’t make me say it.” They had been down this road once before. Craig and Ellie had become best friends over the last two years, but to Ellie he meant more than that. Their ability to connect with each other on so many levels was the reason she had fallen in love with him. However, Craig’s eyes had never viewed Ellie in that manner; he was never fully aware of her true feelings toward him.

As Ellie stood there, afraid to expose herself once more Craig finally realized what she meant. He paused for a second, then quickly grabbed Ellie and kissed her. Ellie said nothing as Craig’s lips gently pressed against hers. A million thoughts raced through Ellie’s mind as she stood there in Craig’s embrace. She couldn’t decipher any of them, but she didn’t care.

As Ellie caressed his face, Craig slowly pulled his lips away. “I love you Ellie,” Craig said with convincing eyes.

Ellie’s heart was immediately overwhelmed with joy. The moment she had been waiting for, which seemed like an eternity away, had finally arrived. The guy she had spent night after night dreaming of said the words she desperately longed to hear. Her smile made her face glow more radiant than ever before. “I love you too,” Ellie said as her eyes traveled from Craig’s lips up to his eyes.

Craig and Ellie kissed once more, and Craig looked at her with sincerity. “So don’t make me stop…please,” he said calmly. The expression on Ellie’s face turned from happiness to confusion. Craig continued, “I need it. Don’t call Joey…”

In an instant Ellie became furious. “You bastard!” she said as she pushed Craig away. “How could you play with me like that?” Ellie couldn’t believe that Craig only said those words to keep her from exposing his drug problem. She thought their relationship was too deep for lies or betrayal of that magnitude.

“Ellie, I’m– I’m sorry, what do you want me to say?” Craig pleaded.

Ellie’s eyes began to water uncontrollably. She tried to hold back, but there was nothing she could do as tears started pouring down her heartbroken face. “Nothing!” She screamed, waving the bag of coke in her hand. “It’s all going to be lies! You’ll say whatever it takes to get your hands on this won’t you? God!!” Ellie slammed the coke down on the table and stormed out of the room feeling completely humiliated.

Craig realized what he had done, but wasn’t concerned with chasing after Ellie to apologize. “It’ll be alright,” he thought. Craig walked to the table and grabbed the coke. As he sat down and opened the bag he thought to himself, “I’ll find her after I perform and apologize…it’ll be alright.”

As she leaned up against the wall in the hallway, Ellie’s vision became blurry from the never ending tears that overflowed from her eyes. She was crying so hard that she could barely breathe. Her back slowly slid down the wall. She sat down and buried her face in her hands. “How could he do this to me?” she thought. “How could Craig hurt me so much?” Ellie didn’t care that there were people walking by, witnessing her breakdown. She only wondered how she was going to deal with the fact that her heart felt like it had been ripped out, and torn completely to shreds. The one person she thought she could trust in this world had failed her miserably. The one moment she wished to happen with him did, but it meant absolutely nothing.

Relax.

Am I weird when I say that working is the only thing that keeps me sane? I feel like it’s the only thing I have that’s somewhat consistent.

 

Calm days are spent wondering what keeps me sane.  I’ve never “broken down.” I’ve never needed “crazy” pills.  Yet the stories I’ve heard make me feel like the odd man out.  I should’ve “Craiged Out” on someone by now.

I said working keeps me sane, but that’s a lie.  It’s really all about the consistency.  I’m addicted to routine.  Working, no matter where it is, just so happens to provide a level of consistency far greater than any person could ever provide.

Not to say that people are incapable; it’s just everyone has their own life to live.  Except me, that is.  Maybe that’s why I dread weekends.

 

We are currently lost souls.  We’re sitting in the Lost & Found box, next to a pair of cool shades.

Neutron Dance.

The walk across the parking lot on this night was long, and uneventful.  I felt relief from the cool, crisp air as I hopped into my car which was surprisingly warm.

While thinking about how I won’t see the sunset during the weekdays for the next several months, I looked over to see markings on the far side of the dashboard, illuminated by the street light.

Fingerprints?  Footprints?

I then recognized what they were, and began to smile.  I turned on the ignition and positioned my car so that the light would shine directly overhead.  Pulling back the inner cover of the sunroof revealed hidden treasures of a night never forgotten.  A night filled with a mixture of feelings:  sadness, joy, regret…hope.

Among the secrets told and kept under the cover of darkness was a faint glimmer of promise.  I fiddled with the checkered trademark lent to me as we lay on top of the world, staring at the clouds simply because we could.  Cold hearts and damp fingers painted the ceiling with peace and love.  Soft eyes with pupils ever so dilated made hearts pound heavily, breaking the comforting silence.

I placed my hand down flat in hopes that pulses would overlap, momentarily.

“What are you thinking?”  Those words floated calmly through the air, yet my mind struggled to find the answer to such an easy question.  The pain discussed prior was insignificant to the feelings at hand; we were too busy living in the moment.

It’s not about fairytale romance or happy endings…those are always more complicated than the storybooks lead us to believe.  It’s simply about slowing down long enough to savor and appreciate what’s right in front of you.  Nothing else mattered except for those two souls locked in a gaze, grinning and silently reassuring each other that weren’t alone, if only on that night.

Life is enjoyable, if only for one night.

Goin’ Down The Road.

Say you’ve been walking down a desert road for quite a while.  You notice the sun is setting, so the heat isn’t a pressing issue.  On top of the mindless motion of moving forward as your feet ache with each step, you realize that you’re kind of hungry.

The horizon contains nothing within view to keep your attention, so your thoughts continue to float back to hunger.  Suddenly, in the distance, you notice a small building…it looks like a diner.  Hit with a sudden burst of energy you start off jogging lightly, and after a while you’re in a full sprint.  You finally arrive at the diner, which has no sign on the outside.  You turn the door handle and walk in.

The first thing you notice is the person behind the front counter…they’re the only person in the place, besides you of course.  They continue to look down as if they didn’t noticed you walked in.  They look up, lock eyes with you for a few seconds, then looks back down.  They point up at the menu, silently signaling for you to order.

You look up and notice there’s only one thing on the menu:  a meatball sub.  No burgers, no sandwiches, no side items, just a meatball sub.  The first thought in your head is “This is great!!! I love meatball subs!!” 

Warm meatballs, zesty sauce, oooey gooey cheese in a soft bun; in your eyes it’s the perfect meal. 

Then it hits you:  the last time you had a meatball sub it made you sick…really sick.  It was so bad you wished you’d never known what a meatball sub was, and had sworn off them for life.

However, you’re standing there, with thoughts of a meatball sub in your head.  You could just leave with your hunger still intact…it’ll probably go away after a while anyway.  But what if it doesn’t? What if there’s no other place to eat for miles? 

Or you could eat the sub; it could make you really sick again, but if by some miracle it doesn’t, your love of meatball subs will be restored.

Which do you choose: eat the meatball sub or just go hungry?

Phasing Out.

So here it is; that moment in time where I openly acknowledge the girl I like never has, and never will like me in “that way.” 

Ellie Nash, I feel your pain.

Liking someone should be fun, but for me it never is.  It always leads to extreme guilt and embarrassment.  Now I’m not a fan of lingering feelings and would rather them just go away, but that’s not going to happen.  Feelings don’t up and go away, they have to be replaced.

The only solution is to gradually phase out those emotions.  The easy way is to not talk to her as much.  Another way is to distract myself with various activities.

The problem is those don’t always work.

Another way is to “trick” myself into liking another girl.  It’s not really about developing feelings for someone else, it’s about getting rid of the feelings I have for a girl I never intended to have feelings for in the first place.  Daydreaming about a girl you have a *crush* on but can’t have is far less painful than daydreaming about a girl you like but can’t have.

Either way, I’m tired of those “dreamy” feelings that are triggered by God knows what, and the I’m-not-good-enough-for-her guilt that follows.  Why can’t I just be a jerk and not care about anyone or anything?

Listener’s Guilt.

If you ask people a quality they want in someone, at some point they’ll eventually say “Someone I can talk to.”

In my head, I have daydreams about having conversations with people.  Sometimes I hear what we’re talking about.  However, most of the time it’s like watching a show where the camera cuts back and forth between two people talking, and the TV is on mute so I can’t hear what we’re saying.

But none of that ever happens in real life.  Conversations move faster than I can keep up.  What I thought about saying comes out a stuttered mess.  Instead of talking, I just listen.

I don’t know about you, but listening is an interesting experience for me.  I don’t just hear words.  I have an overly vivid imagination…whenever someone speaks I visualize what they’re saying without trying.  Their gestures are in slow motion.  I can see the emotion as their voice floats through the air.  I feel the joy, the pain, the excitement and anxiety as I hang onto their every word.

It’s as if for a temporary moment, I’ve become them.  I don’t let it show on the outside, but trust me, my heart and mind are hard at work.  It can be uneasy at times, but the chance to experience unfiltered emotion is always a treasure.

But once someone’s said their piece, that’s when the guilt sets in because I stumble over my words, or worse; I have nothing to say at all.  I shake my head.  I nod.  I say “yeah” or “mmhmm,” or ask a filler question.

Wow Kary, you provide such wonderful input.

I don’t know what it is, but at that moment where it’s my turn to speak there’s usually nothing happening in my head.  It’s like my mind is frozen because it’s not immediately generating any responses to what’s been said.  Nodding is my plea to God to give me a sudden case of verbal diarrhea.

The art of conversation is two people sharing thoughts and ideas with each other.  Even if I’m considered a “great listener,” it’s unfair to the other person if I’m incapable of conveying anything back.  Many chances have come and gone for me to engage someone in a meaningful conversation, and actually contribute something to it.  Instead, I sit there and watch people have the seamless conversations I could only dream of having.

Moving Fast.

It was barely over a week ago, and when a female friend of mine asked me for guy advice. (of all people, me? seriously?)

Anyway, it was about this guy she liked, etc…well today I was randomly checking facebook and saw she was “in a relationship.”

It’s not with the guy she was talking to me about. 

Huh?!? What?!? Relationship ADD much?!?  Is that how it works in general? You like someone, then if it doesn’t pan out you immediately move onto to the next person without skipping a beat? 

Maybe I place too much value into “liking” someone.  It’s kind of a big deal…isn’t it? I mean it’s someone that jumps onto your life’s high priority list, and you entertain the thought of them being in your heart during your silly daydreams.

How does one feel that way about a person, then almost instantly feel that way about someone else? It’s mind boggling to me, because I personally don’t think you can like two people at once, equally.

Or maybe that’s not even the issue at all.  It’s not about “I like someone,” it’s about “Someone likes me.”  Just reaching out and grabbing ahold of the first person that shows interest. 

Ugh.  I used to think that way.  It’s called being desperate, and it’s embarrassing to think back to those moments when you’ve made a fool of yourself and failed romantically.  I am inexperienced in the dating world.  I’ve been told to go out on lots of dates just to build up my resumé; in other words, take what I can get.

But why take what I can get when it’s not what I want?  And nowadays, what I want is officially up in the air.  This is all so confusing.