Movie Review: Dance Flick

QUICKary Review: Ladies and gentlemen we have a new record! My attitude about Dance Flick went from absolute excitement, to absolute disappointment in under six seconds.

It’s official: if Date Movie, Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans didn’t already kill off the spoof flick genre (thanks to directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer), Dance Flick is the final nail in the coffin.

I was so excited to see Dance Flick for several reasons: the trailer was hilarious, and this movie was created by the Wayans Brothers. It’s a movie you expect to be so silly and off the wall to the point where it’s funny, but it ended up being a complete disappointment. That’s a shame since the Wayans are best known for creating the hit show In Living Color. They also made Scary Movie and Scary Movie 2, spoofs that were actually funny.

Dance Flick brings together all of the dance movies from the past several years: Save the Last Dance, You Got Served, Step Up, etc. They also rip off musicals like Hairspray and High School Musical, and they even manage to throw in a dig at Twilight. The main story follows the one from Save the Last Dance; Megan (Shoshana Bush) is a lovely white girl who moves to the urban part of town and goes Musical High School. She meets Thomas (Damon Wayans Jr.) and they bond over their love of dance. Unfortunately, an overweight thug named Sugar Bear (David Alan Grier) and a rival dance crew threaten Megan and Thomas’ relationship.

The movie’s jokes are nonstop and thankfully it’s fast paced, so they never spend too much time setting up or delivering any one joke. The problem is most of the gags aren’t funny at all. The slapstick starts off entertaining, but gets old after a few minutes. Dance Flick also spends too much time making fun of severely outdated pop culture references. It’s 2009; if you’re still poking fun of Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton, I’d say you need to update your gossip magazine collection.

In all the randomness going on, Essence Atkins plays clueless single mother Charity, and she’s the only actor in the movie that provides any sort of consistent funniness. At times, what’s happening in the background of any scene is more interesting than what the characters are doing. There were a few moments that made me howl, but that’s about it. I had such high hopes and wanted to love it, but it ends up being another movie where all of its funny parts are in the trailer. Dance Flick feels more like a bunch of different skits stitched together instead of a real movie. That’s not a bad thing, but within each one it’s like the Wayans decided to throw a barrage of jokes at the wall, and barely any of them stick. The most disappointing thing is Dance Flick’s only job is be an entertaining and funny movie. Sadly, it fails at both.

Movie Review: Terminator Salvation

QUICKary Review: With lots of spark and no bite (yes, it’s a lame machine pun), Terminator Salvation is a convincing world with an unconvincing story.

Terminator Salvation is one of those movies that left me feeling like it wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t that good either. The action scenes are good and plenty. They’re also loud; bigger is better, but I’m guessing the idea is to distract you from the lackluster story with as many explosions as possible.

The movie takes place after Judgment Day, when machines nearly destroyed all of humanity. It’s the year 2018 and John Connor (Christian Bale) is helping in the resistance against Skynet and its army of Terminators. Terminators are built to capture and kill any and all humans. However, Connor eventually enounters Marcus Wright (Sam Worthington), a human/Terminator hybrid who has no idea what he is. Both Connor and Marcus are looking for Kyle Reese (Anton Yelchin); he’s John Connor’s father (but a younger version), and his survival is crucial to the future of the resistance.

Christian Bale is uber intense in this movie as John Connor. At any given time he’s either talking in his raspy whisper of a voice, or he’s yelling at the top of his lungs. That’s about all the depth or emotion you’ll get from him or any other character in this movie. Sam Worthington brings Marcus’ character to life, but he doesn’t have much to work with even with them giving us his backstory.

All of the other characters including Barnes (Common) and Kate Connor (Bryce Dallas Howard) are so cardboard in their reactions that ANYONE could’ve played them. Heck, they could’ve been cut out of the movie altogether. Pointing to his mind and his heart, Kyle Reese tells a group of captives they must stay alive. It’s ironic that those who are fighting for the survival of humanity are as robotic as the machines they’re up against.

Plot holes and unnecessary subplots make the story cheesy and confusing at times, but I have to give props to Salvation’s great special effects. It is a gritty, barren wasteland littered with old cars, demolished buildings and the remains of those fallen in the war of man vs. machines. The action scenes are awesome and so are the brutal machines that won’t stop until their objective is complete. They obviously put a lot of effort into the action, but forgot to work on wrapping a decent story around it all. It’s good fun if you’re there for a straight up action movie, but I was expecting more than that from Terminator Salvation. Remember when Christian Bale flew off the handle at a crew member on set last year? If I were starring in a movie that’s only half as good as it should be, I’d probably go into a rage and yell at everyone too.

LoLz Factor: Offering women my body heat is going be my new pickup technique. Also, it looks like Sony somehow survived the apocaplyse. That means Best Buy stores still exist after Judgment Day!!!!

Movie Review: Angels & Demons

QUICKary Review: I’ve never read the book, but the problem-solving geek in me is probably the reason I found Angels & Demons interesting to watch.

The pope is dead. Four Cardinals from whom the successor will be chosen are kidnapped by someone claiming to work for the ancient, secret society known as The Illuminati. Time is ticking as the Preferiti will be killed by the hour and an antimatter bomb threatens to destroy The Vatican at midnight. It’s religion vs. science: who you gonna call?

Harvard symbologist Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks).

The difference between Director Ron Howard’s films The Da Vinci Code and Angels & Demons (both adaptations of Dan Brown’s novels) is I’ll actually REMEMBER watching Angels & Demons. A&D avoids lengthy monologues that cause you to completely zone out and drool all over your popcorn. Instead, they’re served on the go as Langdon and company race around Vatican City searching for the missing Cardinals, as well as the bomb before it blows the center of the Catholic Church to bits.

Langdon is assisted by Italian scientist Vittoria Vetra (Ayelet Zurer) and as they go back and forth between churches and the Vatican archives searching for clues, you get a lot of interesting facts about the history of The Vatican. Langdon’s vast knowledge is impressive to watch and his ability to zoom through the puzzles is amazing, even if he is played straightforward by Hanks. He plays an intelligent guy well, but when that guy’s up against the clock and he’s the city’s only hope to avoid destruction? It sounds more like Hanks is playing a “hero” role, and I’m sure another actor would’ve been a better fit for that.

Ewan McGregor delivers a convincing performance as Camerlengo Patrick McKenna (Ewan McGregor), kind yet determined to thwart the Illuminati threat. Angels & Demons has an awful lot of violence for a PG-13 movie, but it goes along well with its race-against-the-clock mentality. Though a majority of it is predictable, several scenes still manage to provide great suspense (I found myself holding my breath a couple of times).

Angels & Demons is good, but not great. However, it is MILES better than Da Vinci Code, and it kept my interest the entire time. Though it’s all about science and religion going round and round, it doesn’t really get controversial enough to ruffle feathers. Even when Langdon is asked directly whether or not he believes in God you can tell they’re trying not to stir the pot too much. With the story taking place over the span of only a few hours, some people compare the movie’s pacing to the show 24. It is tighter and quicker thank Da Vinci Code, but I have to disagree with that comparison. Besides, when I think 24, I think about Jack Bauer snapping people’s necks. Now if Robert Langdon had strolled into The Vatican and tortured a few Cardinals as well as snapped the necks of a few Priests, that *might* give the Pope a reason to be offended.

Movie Review: Star Trek

QUICKary Review: Star Trek is entertaining, and most importantly, a movie that anyone ranging from “I’ve never heard of Star Trek” to full-blown Trekkie can enjoy.

“To boldly reboot like no series has done before” is the mission of Star Trek, and it fairs pretty well. Despite the Star Trek universe being vast and complex, this movie is simple, as it should be. It starts off showing James T. Kirk’s father dying on the U.S.S Kelvin to save the lives of hundreds, including his mom who was pregnant with him at the time. We get to quickly see the bold, cocky Kirk (Chris Pine) as young man preparing to join Starfleet.

The story is basically how the characters of the original Star Trek series came to work together on the U.S.S. Enterprise, and there’s something absolutely refreshing about these young versions of the Enterprise crew. Kirk is joined by Spock (Zachary Quinto), Dr. McCoy (Karl Urban), Uhura (Zoe Saldana), Sulu (John Cho), Chekov (Anton Yelchin) and Scotty (Simon Pegg). Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto dominate the spotlight and bring convincing life to Kirk and Spock. Kirk is arrogant, intelligent and entertaining all at once. I can’t think of a better person to play Spock than Zachary Quinto; as soon as I heard it was him, there was no doubt he would embody everything that is a young Spock.

Not only were the characters interesting to watch, the look and sound of Star Trek are a blast to take in as well. From the score to the visual and sound effects, they all came together as part of an engaging universe. I can’t be the only one who fantasized as a kid about what Star Trek would look like with special effects superior to the ones in the various series we grew up watching.

My only criticism really is the fact that Nero (Eric Bana), the Romulan who wreaks havoc around the universe isn’t that menacing. Sure he’s got a big ship, but he never gives that villain sense. Also, the movie’s humor worked well, but they went overboard with it in parts. It was great in the first half of the movie, but many times during the second half it felt forced or out of place.

Star Trek pays homage to the franchise without going overboard, and will succeed at recruiting a fresh, new audience will re-energizing its loyal fanbase. J.J. Abrams has taken a legendary franchise and made it current, so that it’s enjoyable to even those who have never heard of the Vulcan death grip, or witnessed Captains engage in romantic encounters with green women.

Movie Review: Next Day Air

QUICKary Review: Next Day Air is an action comedy that doesn’t have enough of either.

When you have Donald Faison, Mike Epps, Wood Harris and Mos Def together in one movie, there’s no reason said movie should fall flat on its face. Next Day Air is billed as an action comedy, but every time I saw the trailer I couldn’t figure out if it was either.

Leo (Donald Faison) is a stoner and deliveryman who, one day, delivers a package to the apartment of Brody (Mike Epps) and Guch (Wood Harris). They’re two moronic thieves who discover the package is a large stash of coke, and they decide they’ll get rich by selling it to Brody’s drug dealer cousin Shavoo (Omari Hardwick). Of course, this leads the intended recipients of the package Jesus (Cisco Reyes) and his girlfriend Chita (Yasmin Deliz) to search for it before a drug lord (Emilio Rivera) jumps into the fray.

Leading up to the action-packed ending is an aimless story with flashbacks, inept banter and under-utilized characters. A lot of the movie’s time is spent on “filler” talk; characters wave guns around and talk smack that amounts to nothing, until all the thugs and drugs wind up in the same room. The setting of Brody and Guch’s cramped apartment in Next Day Air is run down and cheap, the absolute perfect place for a bunch of bumbling lowlifes connected to the drug package to cross paths. You get an interesting look at how paranoid the drug game can make those in it when people can’t even trust their own blood.

Dim-witted behavior provides all the humor in Next Day Air because the dialogue simply can’t. The movie acts as if it wants to be edgy and funny at the same time, but it focuses too much on trying to be gangsta and ignores the fact it’s not maximizing its “funny” potential. Don’t get me wrong, there were definitely laughs; however, not allowing Epps and Faison to fully unleash their comedic talent on the audience is where the movie slips up.

Though their roles are limited compared to the rest of the cast, Donald Faison and Mos Def work with the time they’re given and are still awesome when they’re on screen. Yasmin Deliz also brings delightful energy to Chita in a movie that doesn’t provide as much action or comedy as it should have.

Movie Review: X-Men Origins: Wolverine

QUICKary Review: Hugh Jackman and Liev Schreiber are badass actors, and they’re the only bright spots in a movie that’s pointless and forgettable.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine, the fourth movie in the X-Men franchise, gets the honor of leading off 2009’s summer blockbuster schedule; unfortunately, it strikes out looking. Wolverine fails at its goal to provide an interesting backstory for one of the most popular characters in comic book history.

The movie begins in 1845 as Logan (Hugh Jackman) and Victor (aka Sabretooth, played by Liev Schreiber) are two mutant half-brothers on the run after the murder of their father. After an opening credits montage that shows them fighting in several historic wars throughout time, the brothers are recruited to join an elite team of mutants, lead by William Stryker (Danny Huston). Logan is fed up with the team’s brutal tactics and quits, moving to Canada where he becomes a lumberjack and falls for Kayla Silverfox (Lynn Collins). Of course Logan can’t hide for long, as Stryker finds him; so does an angry Victor, feeling betrayed and abandoned.

Following the story of alliances, conspiracies and ulterior motives can be confusing, especially if you aren’t a die hard fan of the comics. It’s all flung together like a cheesy soap opera plot with tons of action. Stryker and Victor never exude a menacing aura as the movie’s villains. Stryker never felt like a genuine threat because his character was badly written. As great as Liev Schreiber was at delivering his lines with that creepy grin, there was no way to think Sabretooth stood a chance against Wolverine’s claws.

The biggest disappointment was the lack of effort put into the action scenes and special effects. In some scenes you can tell a green screen is obviously being used. Once Wolverine is injected with the adamantium, his claws look so over-the-top fake at times; watch the bathroom scene to know what I mean. One character who appears near the end (I won’t ruin it for you) I wasn’t sure if it was the original actor, or a stand-in; the CGI was that bad. I guess once the unfinished version of the movie was leaked, they felt they didn’t need to try and impress us anymore.

This movie isn’t as good as it should’ve been. There’s nothing remarkable about Wolverine; the story and the action aren’t worth remembering. Even the appearance of many familiar mutants, including Deadpool (Ryan Reynolds) and the great Gambit (Taylor Kitsch) solicited nothing more than a “meh,” because their roles are so small. There was no question Hugh Jackman would rock once again as Wolverine, and he did so masterfully. I’m putting Liev Schreiber up there as well, since he was great given the material he had to work with. There are a couple of brief extra scenes during the ending credits (one near the beginning, and one at the very end), but like the audience’s reaction to those final scenes, the overall question about Wolverine is “What was the point in making this movie in the first place?”

LoLz Factor: There were some great LOLZ in this movie that I need to list:

*Hugh Jackman running around naked

*Before he was injected with the adamantium, Wolverine’s claws look like sharpened cat bones.

*Everytime Sabretooth’s nails grew out, I laughed OUT LOUD because it reminded me of Meg’s super powers on Family Guy.

Movie Review: Obsessed

QUICKary Review: To be honest, I’ve witnessed much better tales of CRAZY in real life *SEVERE SHUDDER*. But still, the eerie relatability and Beyoncé vs. Crazy White Chick rumble in Obsessed *might* be enough to keep you entertained.

I can’t count the number of times I heard someone in the audience say “Man, that chick is crazy,” while watching Obsessed. Derek Charles (Idris Elba) is a successful manager who has a great life with his new home, a loving wife Sharon (Beyoncé Knowles) and their son Kyle. Of course his life is turned upside down when Lisa (Ali Larter), a temp worker, starts flirting with and stalking him.

There’s nothing subtle about Lisa’s intentions at any given time. When she and Derek meet for the first time in an elevator the camera does the work, getting closeups of Lisa’s thigh as it’s barely covered by her miniskirt. Their hands briefly touch while trying to pick up fallen papers, and the look on her face tells you the “crazy” has begun. The premise of Obsessed is nothing new, so it’s not shocking to watch Lisa’s obsessive behavior go from seemingly innocent comments, to groping Derek in a bathroom stall at a party.

Obsessed could’ve been a really good movie overall, but a lack of depth and willingness to “go there,” especially when it came to Lisa, makes it average at best. Ali Larter does her job convincing us that Lisa is out of touch with reality, but there’s no clear motive for it all. Sending spam e-mails and pretending to be someone’s husband is child’s play. What we’re really waiting for is that moment when Lisa’s character snaps and goes off the deep end, but that never happens. Even when Lisa drugs Derek, the movie remains as edgy as a butter knife, leaving us to wonder whether or not she really took advantage of him. The buildup of tension never happens and unfortunately, Lisa’s just a sex kitten turned stalker who doesn’t make you fear for your safety; she’s the kind of stalker that’s incredibly annoying.

After Derek is forced to explain the flirting and lies he’s hidden to his wife Sharon, it leads up to an anticipated bout of fisticuffs between her and Lisa. In a movie where she can’t use singing as a crutch, Beyoncé is much better than expected. This isn’t a catfight, it’s a smack down that’ll make you think twice about crossing Beyoncé on a bad day. It’s the most entertaining part of the movie, before the ending crashes and burns into a lame ball of fire. Of course it’s also fun to laugh at the unintentionally funny moments in Obsessed, which happens to be every sexual advancement Lisa makes toward Derek, but it’s worth watching if you want to see Beyoncé put a hurtin’ on a single lady.

LoLz Factor: “Bitch BREATHE!” What’s NOT funny about watching some chick obsessively throw herself at a guy (and FAIL)? Then you’re reminded of that one time that crazy girl stalked the hell out of you and your friends (because ALL girls are crazy), and the LoLz turn to nervous chuckles.

Did you know…: Magic Johnson was an Executive Producer for this movie? When I saw his name in the opening credits, it was the biggest WTF moment I’ve had in a while.

Movie Review: Crank: High Voltage

QUICKary Review: The fast-paced absurdity of it all makes Crank: High Voltage a wonderfully entertaining movie. I mean, where else can you watch a guy get sodomized by a shotgun?

The above movie poster pretty much says it all.

Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) had his nearly indestructible heart stolen by Chinese gangsters, and replaced with a battery-powered one. It requires continuous recharging, so he finds whatever he can (tasers, jumper cables, old ladies he can hump) to juice up, all while leaving a trail of bodies as he searches for his heart.

Just like its predecessor, Crank: High Voltage is absolutely ridiculous, and directors Brian Taylor and Mark Neveldine go out of their way to make sure you know that by making it so outrageous. There are parts that tie into the first Crank movie, which is briefly confusing until you realize you don’t care about a plot if you’re watching this. Amy Smart returns as Chev’s girlfriend Eve, and Doc Miles (Dwight Yoakam) waits for Chev to get his heart so he can put it back in him.

Bai Ling, Corey Haim and a host of others appear as over-the top stereotypes. Even David Carradine gets in the action, though completely unrecognizable as Poon Dong. I didn’t expect a coherent story or focused characters, and neither should you. What I did expect was nonstop action from Jason Statham in a world full of overly-aggressive thugs, strippers, hookers, real-life porn stars and fetish gangs.

It delivered all that, and then some.

High Voltage is fun to watch because Jason Statham nails the action hero role. The pacing is frantic, the editing is seizure-inducing, and the movie never ceases to find ways to keep things entertaining on screen. Think of it as the perfect movie for an ADD moviegoer. It’s a hilarious orgy of violence, sex, foul language, gore and offensive dialogue, and obviously not for everyone.

Crank: High Voltage doesn’t take itself seriously and over-delivers on its goal to be a graphic, super-charged action flick. It’s the most fun I’ve had at the movies in a long time, and it has to be the most entertaining movie I’ve seen so far in 2009.

LoLz Factor: BB balls, dry humping, rectum nearly killed him (with a shotgun), Ron Jeremy and various porn stars, magnum-wielding hookers, elbow and nipple slicing…Jeez, I could go on all day about the number of LoLz this gem of a movie produced. I haven’t laughed at a movie that much in quite a while.

Inappropriate for kids, huh?? REALLY?!?: So there were several different kids in the theater watching with their parent(s), and I was confused when a couple of families walked out during the movie. Did you NOT know what kind of movie this was going to be? It’s rated “R” for a reason (for frenetic strong bloody violence throughout, crude and graphic sexual content, nudity and pervasive language).

Movie Review: 17 Again

QUICKary Review: Of course 17 Again is cheesy. But the problem is it comes off as a slack-ass effort from everybody on AND off camera…except Zac Efron.

 

If High School Musical wasn’t enough for you, Zac Efron is stuck playing another high school teen in 17 Again, even if he doesn’t sing this time around. Zac plays Mike O’Donnell, a high school basketball star who gave up his future to marry his pregnant girlfriend Scarlett. Skip forward to the future, and adult Mike (played by Matthew Perry) has a miserable life; he and Scarlett (Leslie Mann) are getting a divorce, and their two kids hate him.

Mike has been obsessed with his failures in life, and wishes he could go back and re-live his high school days. With the help of a magical janitor he transforms back into a Zac Efron lookalike! It’s really hard to believe Zac Efron could end up looking as homely as Matthew Perry these days; apparently he just gave up on everything after Friends.

With the help of his friend Ned (Thomas Lennon), Mike enrolls in high school. The story consists of teen Mike trying to reconnect with Scarlett, and teen kids Alex (Sterling Knight) and Maggie (Michelle Trachtenberg). Unfortunately they, like all of the kids in this movie fall into the overly cliché high school stereotypes. With the body of a teen but the mind of an adult, Mike tries to help dorky Alex make the basketball team and get Maggie to dumb her dumb-jock boyfriend. Teen Mike and Scarlett crawl into borderline creepy as Mike constantly flirts with her.

If it weren’t for Zac Efron prancing around looking perfect in every scene, 17 Again would be a full-circle disappointment. The rest of the actors looked like they were just going through the motions. I swear I saw “Ehh let Zac do all the work,” tattooed on Matthew Perry’s forehead. Even the post-production crew put forth no effort, providing 98 minutes of awful cuts, bad sound effects and an awkward score.

Because everything around him was so bad, it’s hard to tell if Efron’s acting was actually good. He got the chance to deliver a couple of preachy tirades, and while it’s amusing that a dad in a kid’s body is telling a room full of high schoolers to practice abstinence, Efron’s lack of punch seems more like a product of a bad story, not bad acting.

Zac Efron said he wants to do more adult roles, but 17 Again does him no favors. It’s all been done before, and done better. I’ll be patiently waiting to see him in a non-cheesy-high-school-teen role before deciding if he has any actual acting talent, so for now Zac Efron gets a mulligan. 17 Again? Not so much.

LoLZ Factor: “I think our hands just made a baby.” That’s my new pickup line.

Movie Review: Hannah Montana: The Movie

QUICKary Review: Come on, it’s HANNAH MONTANA. You know exactly what you’re getting, whether you love or hate her. Of course her fans will love it, but as for the rest of us? We should take notes from Disney on how to create and milk an idea for everything it’s worth.

Everytime I hear the words “Hannah Montana” I roll my eyes; not because I think she’s stupid, it’s because I wish I had thought of creating her first. Critizing her as being nothing but a cash cow is silly. Isn’t that the goal of EVERY product or franchise ever invented? The Disney machine has been able to sit back and enjoy the amazing success (and money) of Hannah Montana, the most popular tween sensation of this generation.

And so Hannah Montana: The Movie is the next step as Disney continues to extend the brand of its leading lady. The concept of Hannah Montana carries over from the TV series. Miley Stewart (Miley Cyrus) leads a double life, and with the help of a wig Miley turns from an average teenager into pop star Hannah Montana.

In the movie, Miley’s gone into full spoiled-brat mode. After blowing off her brother’s departure to college, ruining her best friend Lily’s (Emily Osment) Sweet 16 party and getting in a fight over shoes with Tyra Banks, Miley’s dad Robby Ray (Billy Ray Cyrus) decides to take her back to their hometown in Tennessee. He wants her to take a break from Hannah Montana and get back to her roots.

While there, Miley’s placed in a position to save an entire town from being turned into a mall by a greedy developer. She must also hide from a reporter who’s trying to discover her true identity. Of course the overall message ends up being the opposite of what it should be, but what’s the point in dissecting a movie like this? Nobody’s paying that much attention to the story anyway. Throw in a few new songs and a country hunk named Travis (Lucas Till) that catches Miley’s eye, and you’ll be poppin’, lockin’ and polka dottin’ it all movie long.

As Miley deals with the difficulties of balancing both personas, Hannah Montana: The Movie seems to lose some of its quirky charm in transition from TV to the big screen. The overly cheesy high jinks of the TV series take a backseat to a story that wants us to believe Miley may be ready to give up the fame and fortune of being Hannah Montana. That doesn’t matter if you’re a 10-year-old Hannah fan.

Though it’s G-rated and extremely family friendly, Hannah Montana: The Movie offers absolutely no reason to watch it unless you’re a Hannah-obsessed fan (or the parent or teen boyfriend of said Hannah-obsessed fan). I’m sure you knew that anyway. But as the credits roll and the audience full of tweens cheers, you have to acknowledge that this movie gets the job done. It gets a perfect rating for the Hannah fans (1 out of 5 Karys for the rest of us).