I’ve created a new blog called DegrassiTV. You can check it out here. It’s a blog all about Degrassi. With Degrassi: TNG heading into it’s 8th season this fall, I’ll use it to post Degrassi news, reviews, and my random thoughts about the show.
My life doesn’t know what second chances are.
That’s why perfectionism is so important to me.
I spent my entire life unknowingly studying. Afternoons and Saturday mornings I lived in my sanctuary. I watched the best overcome the unbelievable. I read and collected their legend. I imitated their glory in many a backyard. A life of preparation for a single leap of faith. The ground was harder than they made it look.
Stand up, turn and walk away. No need to wait for their laughter, the shame will catch up later. We all know the truth.
I can’t be your hero.
I can’t be your knight in shining armor.
I wanted to save the world, but I don’t know how.
I wanted to save you, but you don’t want my help.
There’s nothing left to say, so my kind will become extinct.
I guess we should leave the hero stuff to the pros.
All I remember is how I forgot, and thought I’d left for something better.
Missed the train, felt the rain
And never sent a letter.
Ding ding, the man screams
All aboard, time to leave
I missed it first go round, but not this time
I’ll do anything to catch this train home.
I’m running hard and running fast, hoping that I’m not too late.
Against the crowd, my heartbeat’s loud
A task that’s far too great.
Ding ding, the man screams
All aboard, time to leave
I was foolish before, but not this time
I’ll do anything to catch this train home.
There it is, the gateway and the final call is made.
I’ll catch a ride, til’ hearts collide
And I’m at home ok.
Ding ding, the man screams
All aboard, time to leave
Wait for me, I’m here this time
I’ll do anything to catch this train home.
I’m not alone, I wish I was
Cause then I’d know I was down because
I couldn’t find a friend around
To love me like they do right now
They do right now
I’m dizzy from the shopping mall
I searched for joy but I bought it all
It doesn’t help the hunger pains
And a thirst I’d have to drown first to ever satiate
Something’s missing
And I don’t know how to fix it
Something’s missing
And I don’t know what it is
No I don’t know what it is
At all
When Autumn comes, it doesn’t ask
It just walks in where it left you last
You never know when it starts
Until there’s fog inside the glass around your summer heart
Something’s missing
And I don’t know how to fix it
Something’s missing
And I don’t know what it is, no I don’t know what it is
At all
I can’t be sure that this state of mind
Is not of my own design
I wish there was an over-the-counter test for loneliness
For loneliness like this
Something’s missing
And I don’t know how to fix it
Something’s missing
And I don’t know what it is
No I don’t know what it is
Something’s different
And I don’t know what it is
No I don’t know what it is
Friends - check
Money - check
Well-slept - check
Opposite sex - check
Guitar - check
Microphone - check
Messages waiting on me when I come home - check
How come everything I think I need
Always comes with batteries?
What do you think it means?
How come everything I think I need…
I was fine. No alarm was needed this morning. The sad part is I could hear it playing in the background throughout my dream last night, so here we go again. There is no escape. Life dictates that it’s suppose to get easier as you go along, but what happens when all that progress begins to backslide out of nowhere, for no reason? I’m a 24-year-old guy. Am I weak for admitting any of this? According to everyone, guys my age are supposed to be “living it up.” They’re not designed designed to take girls seriously. Hit it, and quit it, right? It’s all about having fun, stringing them along a bit, and leaving a trail of broken hearts while moving on to the next girl. It’s all about looking out for what you want, and nothing about wanting to get to know her or actually wanting to be in her heart for the right reasons. According to everyone, guys my age aren’t supposed to care…and certainly aren’t supposed to feel this way.
When you’re dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll out of bed and down on your knees
and for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here
Is she standing in my room?
When you’re dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
then all at once you have to say goodbye
wondering could you stay my love
will you wake up by my side?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Would you get them if I did?
No, you won’t.
When you’re dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part.
Hi. My name is Kary, and I am suffering from a broken heart. There, I’ve finally said it. Now forward progress can finally start. Am I weak for admitting any of this?
Wow. It’s been forever since I’ve actually written anything on here. It’s so weird going back and reading things I’ve written, and seeing what frame of mind I was in at the time. Most of the time I think I was a really stupid and naive boy back then, and of course 6 months from now I’ll read this and still think I’m stupid and naive.
I’m glad to say I’ve learned quite a few things since last October:
1) Trust is illogical. It shouldn’t be, but it is. Are people’s fear of trust validated though? I mean how difficult is it to just be honest, or to not promise things that you simply can’t or have no intentions of delivering on? It should really be that simple. I’m one of those people that trusts people are being genuine when they say or do things, because I believe people are inherently good, and I want to give them the benefit of the doubt. I believe that if you say something to me, you mean it.
I strive to be genuine in actions and words, but of course that’s gotten me nowhere in life so far. I should jump on the “I’m not going to trust anyone ever” bandwagon…self-sabotage at its best. I hate that noone really trusts anyone…ever. Why even bother attempting to know anyone at all if that’s the case? People consciously allow negative people and situations from their past control their future, and ruin it for those of us who are here, now. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like being punished for the actions of others.
2) The world works in cycles. Think about it this way: every year we have holidays, sporting events, etc. that occur year after year. I believe that for the most part, life events work in a similar matter. Once we reach a certain point, a handful of situations will occur multiple times throughout our lives. It might not be in the same place with the same people or the same outcome, but the core situation is always the same. There’s always a chance to get it right, the next time around.
3) Find something to look forward to. It doesn’t matter if it’s something simple as looking forward to a tv show, or spending time with family and friends. Or it could be something big like being excited about a possible career move, getting married or eternal life. Looking forward to something (regardless of the eventual outcome) can be one of the greatest feelings ever. Happy people know that life is all about keeping yourself distracted.
I can’t believe how wonderful you are.
I can’t understand how or why you’re here, but you are.
I liked to be alone. I’m a loner. Now my time is spent doing trivial things until I get to see your smile again. I need to hear your heartbeat again. Mine speeds up and down at the thought of you. I’m almost convinced this is a dream. Only in dreams does someone risk their heart getting broken to get close to me. Now I wake up to see you lying next to me. The one thing I wanted is finally within reach and I find myself gripping her tight, giving my heart away for free. So this is what it feels like.
I can’t believe I get the chance to feel this way.
Erica, I can’t wait until the next time we meet again.
I woke up this morning and felt like dying. I felt that way all last night and thought it would go away after a night’s sleep, but no such luck. Oh and the fact that I was worrying triple time over other things made it even worse. I thought about calling into work, but then I remembered I live just a little over 5 minutes away.
I’m one of the lucky people who rarely get sick sick, so to me feeling sick feels a lot worse than it probably does to other people when it happens. I realized that just like everyone else, I have no tolerance for anything while feeling like crap. The sick feeling started to subside about halfway through work, but then I was so worried and worked up over a range of things that my stomach felt like a butter churner…and all of workers showed up and decided to have a race to see who can churn butter the fastest.
After work I decide to go shopping for some things. It was pouring rain, and as I’m walking in yet another person tries to bum money off of me. Already irritated, I blurted out “Here’s an idea…leave the me fuck alone,” and I walked away. That’s the first time I’ve ever cussed at anyone…I guess there really is a first time for everything. I’m now convinced I’m the worst human being ever.
On the way home I was driving on the freeway and noticed that I could barely see the road. Because of the rain, everything from lights, to signs to my own headlights were reflecting on the road. Out loud I said to myself “This can’t end very well.” About 3 minutes later I’m still driving on the freeway, and get to the exit I need to get off at. I absolutely hate that exit, because it’s tricky…the lane that the exit ramp is in is the same lane for incoming traffic onto the freeway. The incoming traffic is flying at full speed and refuses to let you in (because they’re trying to merge left onto the freeway), so I have to cut people off and force my way into the exit lane every single day.
Tonight as I was trying to get over into the lane, I looked back to make sure that I wasn’t going to run into someone who might’ve been right next to me. As I turn back around I saw that two cars in front of me in the exit lane had come to a complete stop. I hit the brakes and realized I was going to slam into them if I kept going, so I swerved back to the left. Then directly in front of me was a red car that had come to a complete stop as well. As I got closer I saw a jeep in the exit lane that had run into the guardrail and spun around. Somehow I was able to get around everything and get home alive, though I’m pretty sure I was destined to die in one of those “rainy night” car accidents tonight…it would’ve been an appropriate ending to the day.
I have a prediction: I am going to make a fool out of myself in the coming days/weeks. Not surprising, but I can see it coming from a mile away. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go flush my head down the toilet.
Last night we won our game….by forfeit. The other team decided not to show up for whatever reason. I hate that we didn’t get to play, because we didn’t EARN the win, but a win is still a win I guess. Now we’re one game away from the Championship game! To win it all, next Tuesday we’ll have to beat 2 teams that beat the living crap out of us in the regular season. Oh boy. Though last night scrimmaged amongst ourselves for an hour, part of me is glad that we didn’t have to play for a couple of reasons:
*My foot STILL hurts. I thought it was better, but I guess not. I’ve got pain in my right foot in the big toe and area below. Since I run on the balls of my feet, I’m putting crazy pressure on the toe…I have to suck up the pain if I want to run fast. Maybe it’ll be better in another week.
*I felt like crap. It hit me midday during work yesterday…I felt kind of weird, but I shrugged it off. When I was out there running around it hit me, then when I got home I felt like I was hit by a train. I woke up this morning feeling like crap…like I’ve been punched in the stomach and someone’s sitting on my chest. I think Matt may have given me one of his illnesses. What a productive day at work it’s going to be!
Barring any rain, tonight is the beginning of the end of softball for this year. Every week for the last 32 weeks I’ve been swinging, diving, sliding, running around at high speeds, kicking ass, getting my ass kicked, and having fun doing it. I really have no idea what I’m going to do to pass the time for the next 5 months. Twiddle my thumbs I guess? People talk about things that “relieve the soul”…well weird or not, softball gives my soul much needed relief. For that hour all worries are pushed aside. I am thinking of nothing else other than the game.
Tonight is the beginning of the playoffs for our league. Since I started playing softball nearly 2 years ago, no team I’ve played for has ever won a playoff game. It would be nice to put that streak to an end tonight. The team we’re playing is one of the two teams we beat this year. It was the team where we led the entire game, but they tied us in the last inning. In extra innings they went up by three, and we came back and won the game on a 2-out rally. My “A” game is ready to be brought. I’m really liking this sense of urgency feeling I have in my stomach. It really is a do-or-die situation. Now if only I could have that feeling about everything else in life, then I’d really be getting somewhere.
1. Introduce yourself
Hey! I’m Kary. Or Doc. Or Smokey. Whatever…but I really like being called Kary. 
2. It’s Thursday at noon, where are you usually?
either getting ready to leave for work, or I’m already there
3. Who are the last two people to send you a text message?
Crystal, and KELS
4. What brand of shampoo is in your shower right now?
the regular kind
5. What shoes are you wearing??
none right now
6. What are you listening to right now?
the guys on espn
7. Do you watch MTV anymore?
no
8. What’s your favorite musical?
I’m scared of musicals
9. Any song running through your head?
“Best Days”, by Matt White
10. You need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go first?
Belk, JC Penny, Dillards…one of those giant stores in the mall
11. How do you feel about your hair?
it is currently AWESOME
12. What time do you wake up for work?
People will hate me for this… 10:30am, though I could sleep later if I wanted to
13. What movie is in your DVD player?
none
14. Last two numbers in your phone number?
74
15. Who’s in your house?
Just me
16. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
I alternate sides
17. Do you like roller coasters?
NO, they’re number 2 on my list of “Things I Hate”
18. What magazine(s) do you buy regularly or subscribe to regularly?
Magazines are slightly overrated…except for the ads
19. Can you drive?
Yes
20. What are you looking forward to?
there’s nothing to look forward to anymore
21. What kind of phone do you own?
nokia 87 whatever, it looks like a freaking box
22. What do your jeans look like?
blue
23. Do you have anyone of the opposite sex you’re attracted to as just a friend?
yeah, a couple
24. Do you own an iPod?
NO
26. What kind of cologne/perfume do you wear?
I just ran out of Curve…. 
I’m using the backup for now
27. Do you go to any weekly religious worship session? (i.e. church)
Not really
28. What are your plans for Saturday?
Softball Tournament!
29. What is the dumbest thing you have ever done with your cellphone?
nothing, other than drop it
30. Does mind over matter work for you?
No
31. Do you miss the 90’s?
I do miss The Fresh Prince
32. Are you paranoid?
sure
